Guilt Trip

I went on a guilt trip last Saturday. It was EXACTLY what I needed. Yes, you read that right. Just what I needed. You see, I'm loaded with guilt, but I also know I'm not the only one. I'm pretty sure motherhood comes with a pretty thick dose of guilt included. Honest mothers would agree. Perfect mothers also agree, just can't bring themselves to "join" our guilt club. So, here's what my guilt has looked like lately.

I hate playing barbies. Hate it with a passion. After changing her outfit, complete with accessories once, what more is there to do? Yes, I get that my kids can use their imagination 'till their heart is content on where Barbie is headed off, but this mama cannot. I cringe every time they come asking if I'll play barbies. And here's where the guilt comes in, I almost always say no I won't play and the look of disappointment is crushing. When I tell them what I am willing to play, the are equally disappointed since it is almost always not what they want to play.

I have a 4 year old who gets a lot of criticism and unfortunately I hold myself completely responsible for this. Because I have complained about the challenges I have with him, I have opened the door for others to share what I am doing wrong in their opinion, or I feel judged that I'm obviously doing something wrong, or worse, labeling my son as a naughty kid. Yep, guilt. It almost never makes me feel better, but is almost a guarantee to make me feel worse.

I was in Wal-Mart today and  saw two little newborn babies. Both of them crying with that teeny, tiny, adorable newborn cry. It was sweet, but my guilty conscience kicks in and I experience anxiety at the very thought that in three weeks that will be me with the sweet newborn that I struggle so much enjoying. I can't seem to think of much other than the sleepless nights that are just around the corner, the summer months where my children will be home all day and need attention and want to go to the pool every day, which will only feed my guilt since I inevitably will not be swimming with them much this summer, if at all.

I threaten my kids to go to sleep, can't figure out how to help them be better friends with each other and with others. I've spanked, said unkind things, locked them out, taken ridiculously long showers just to be alone. I worry that I don't spend enough one on one time with each of them. Wish our finances allowed all the extracurricular activities we'd love to see them in. I need to read to them more, laugh more, hug, kiss, let go, and just be more!

Now, if there's not enough guilt here to make one depressed, I don't know what would. But, I'm not depressed. (Not yet anyway. Ask me in a month, and we'll see). Even with all my guilt, somehow I kinda knew that motherhood wouldn't always be a walk in the park. I think I've always known that houses are messy, kids fight, moms yell sometimes, pancakes for dinner isn't going to kill them, and a level of guilt, unfortunately, is part of the deal. With Mother's Day two days away I want to remember that although I'm far from the perfect mom and I do suffer from guilt, I sure love being their mom and am grateful to have the title. And somehow, with all my mistakes, these three still love me.

(remembering a much more carefree, fun loving, and guilt free Melissa. Obviously before motherhood)